Face-to-Face to Healing

 Over the past several years I have been trying to understand myself in an effort to better serve our Lord. While I was raising my children, my focus was not on myself, rather on the duties as a single mother towards my children. Once they matured into adulthood and my responsibility of getting them into adulthood was basically done, responsibilities to myself had no choice but to kick in. That's when I came face-to-face with myself. 

Coming face-to-face with myself was an eye opener in explaining some actions I took in the way I handled things in the past while raising my children. For instance: I can't stand drama, I rather avoid a conflict than face it. I had a very hard time settling disputes among my children. Don't like being in a crowded atmosphere, it drives me nuts; my anxiety level skyrockets in a crowd. Most times, we couldn't afford to go to outings or events, but when we did go to family gatherings and on occasion to a public event, I would be very uncomfortable and anxious if they lasted too long. Can't stand for the spot light to be on me. I don't want, nor need a lot of attention; it makes me nervous; makes me feel like I have to display or put on an act outside myself and that makes me feel like I'm faking, not comfortable. It had always been about my children, not me, and I was very okay with that. Those personality temperaments in the duties of raising my children, I can see now that my focus had, by necessity, became to myself, continues to be temperaments in my personality now.

I thought something was majorly wrong with me. I cried often in wishing I understood why I'm like I am.  I went through years of trying to change myself to accommodate others in an effort to connect with others in hopes of gaining friends and a significant other. Heck, even tried to be more social on social media, only to fail miserably. And, when I did interact or participate on social media, rather, making post or texting with some unknown person on social media, my anxiety level became so ridiculous I started having anxiety attacks; which made me really think something was wrong with me. I had to and needed to understand what was going on with me.  

I had come face-to-face with a lonely, depressed, and anxious self, and in order to heal and move forward , I wanted to, no, needed to understand myself better. I thought I was an emotional wreck. A little joke here: After all, I did write close to 1000 poems, including those unpublished and unposted, over the last several years. Back to myself of face-to-face healing. Upon reading a Christian based book about how to move past your feelings, I discovered, we all have implanted personality temperaments. I understand now how in recognizing where I sit on that spectrum can lead to a better understanding of myself in healing in an effort to moving forward. Once I realized I do have a personality temperament, I had to learn more, I needed to know more. I read a few articles on this topic off the web, but found some of them to be of no use. As most were from web page adds just wanting to charge one to take a personality test. Then some where promoting the new psychology perspective of four personality traits A-D; which, to me is basically a way for that industry to make more money. as well. Meaning, people have always had personality temperaments since God created man, why change just to suite society, what has been known, accepted, well-studied, and around since the first psychologist, Hippocrates, discovered this about man. Wikipedia describes man's temperaments in the aspect of Hippocrates, so I read more. Hippocrates, was known as The Father of Medicine according to Wikipedia.  Reading about mans' Four Temperaments in Wikipedia, I looked at many of the referencing material. I'm not a psychologist, of course, nor any other kind of mental health doctor, so some of the referencing material was hard to grasp as was way above my understanding. However, I ran across one reference that was easy to understand and, of course, recognized man's temperaments as being traits given us by God. For His purpose!

Now, I'm in a place of understanding. I read The Four Human Temperaments by Donald W. Ekstrand, an adjunct professor of Christian Studies. This article breaks down the four personality temperaments in a very easy to read and understandable way, that any layman can grasp. Facing the four personality temperaments, I discovered why I am the way I am, and no longer think any thing is wrong with me; finally. 

I kinda always knew I was more introverted, than extroverted due a few personality actions of my past and of how I am now. But, I had no idea being one way or the other comes from one's personality temperament. In Mr. Ekstrand's page, I do better understand myself. I don't need to take the personality test to understanding, according to his descriptive break down of the four temperaments, that I have more of a Melancholic temperament than any other. I do get easily embarrassed, am shy (to a certain degree), am not comfortable in the spotlight, am-for the most part-modest, like to keep to myself, and often only speak when first spoken to first, and am very organized (so I've been told); just to name a few of that temperament I'm closes to. But, I am a bit relaxed and easy going, and can also be a bit spontaneous due my anxious side. Thus, I do have a combo of temperaments. As Mr. Ekstrand explains all humans' have a bit of all four, just may be dominant in one and have an underlying close second (❡ 4. Ekstrand). After, thoroughly reading and comprehending the four temperaments and possible combinations (second close) and in being totally honest with myself, I categorize myself as Mel/Pleg (❡ 28). I am a true introvert, this I can not deny. Stubbornness, I cannot deny. Anxiety, I can not deny. Organized, I can not deny. But, not easily angered, do thrive for self knowledge and am slow to make a move, and, do hold dear a true friendship is of a Phlegmatic temperament (however, am exclusive as a Melancholic). Thus, although mostly a Melancholic, I have some temperaments of a Phlegmatic. I find knowing this to be very helpful in my healing to move forward in my life. 

Knowing my personality temperaments also explains a great deal about my actions and reactions to situations and people; as well; letting me know, there is nothing wrong with me. That I simple acted and reacted according to my ingrained temperaments that God gave me. And, He does implant these temperaments in us according to His purpose; our mission while here on earth. As a Mel/Pleg temperament might say, now that I've come face-to-face to understanding my self's temperament, I can slowly move forward in healing myself in this knowledge and try to quit being so anxious about my being and my life. Additionally, and foremost, become a better servant to The Lord!